Friday, January 29, 2010

a small achievement

It is now Friday, I haven't tried to talk to Paul since Sunday afternoon. Small? Yes, but thats a big deal for me. I am finally realizing HI! Paul is an asshole who did not care about me or my feelings and I deserve someone who respects me and the things I like to do and wont judge me for what I eat. Which he did by the way he would give me the evil death glare when I ordered something then what he "thought was healthy" It's a new day! Im going to Kathy Griffin tonight then a little mini roadtrip to see a true great friend. I am genuinely starting to get out of this rut! YAY

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The worst

I just got out of my first major relationship. We dated for about a year and a half and I was absolutely in love, or so I thought. Paul and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together, he was pretty mean to me, he would say hurtful things, and just basically didn't give a shit about me. I was naiive and would make excuses and convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal and I was at fault too. We finally ended it back in November for good. I found out he was seeing someone else right before Christmas and it literally made me sick I would cry myself to sleep at night and just dwell on the whole situation. The fact that he didn't want or need me made me want and try even harder. I would call and text him throughout the day with no reply. I went to his work a couple of times and begged basically. I never really realized how pathetic it was until right now. I went to his work today and got all cute and basically tried to make him remember why he loved me.
He point blank said "Erin, I dont wanna be with you, Im trying to tell you your a stalker and to go away." I was SO embarrassed I left crying and feeling the biggest psycho in the entire world. So basically what I wanna admit is I am having trouble moving on, Im not quite sure how and I dont know why even though this person is the biggest asshole on the planet and treated me cruelly why I would still want this person. I am insecure and am terrified that I will never be able to find someone again and that scares me. All I want is to find someone and be happy and if he is such a huge prick why has he already found that.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blind Dates

Has anyone ever been on a blind date? I was just thinking about them. I went on one a few weeks ago and would like to share the scoop lol. Okay so my friend pulled the whole "I know someone perfect for you he is super nice and he will love you." Okay let me just say I am really hesitant about blind dates because no one likes that awkward first meeting and bascially I am terrified the whole time they are comparing me to wild animals or thinking about how much they want to leave lol.
So I said "are you SURE" hes gonna be interested and he wont think I'm a dog." She promised he wouldnt. We decided to go to the casino. lol dont judge me I just turned 21 like a month ago. Did I mention my friend and her boyfriend were going also so it would ease the tension. K so I got ready took me an hour and a half and looked pretty damn cute if I say so myself. He walks up to us HI hes GORGEOUS (ok maybe not gorgeous but i have low standards but hes pretty damn cute)
I started chatting away to make it not uncomfortable but if I wasn't talking we basically were just standing there while I tried unsuccessfully to win at the slots. It ended decently enough but a week goes by and I hadn't heard from him.
Well.... smart me gets drunk and calls him and apparently asked him to hang out again. I get a text from him the next day asking if I still wanted to hang out so I thought hey, thats a good sign he could have pretended we never talked. So we were set to go to the movie the next day he was supposed to call me. Yeah... 5:30 rolls around and still NO PHONE CALL. I get ready none the less and basically wait around until finally I get a text from him that doesnt even apolgize just says I overslept can we try for wednesday. I decided to go which was stupid of me. We went to the movie and he didn't put his arm around me or anything it was a 2 and a half hour movie and it was extremely uncomfortable. I get a call from him a few days later that was the whole "your really nice and fun but I dont like you the way you like me." Thanks alot asshole thats what everyone loves to hear. I just had to complain lol

My very first post.

I am 21 years old, and I am the token fat friend. It's okay I have accepted it, I almost embrace it perhaps. It is shameful to admit this yes, but it is the truth. Its completely true though I believe the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore even have a name for it "the grenade." So, embarrassing as it is I accept it and will write accordingly.
I am fortunate to have some really great, true, friends who love me for me. God love them, they put up with a lot of my bullshit. But I have come to realize that I am the biggest pushover on the planet I let people walk all over me, and in being like that I attract some friends that basically love that I am timid, chubby, and extremely insecure and therefore put up with almost anything. It is unfortunate but it is also my fault too. I am that person that apologizes 80 times a day for sometimes no reason at all or when I dont need to. However, this blog will hopefully prove as a step to acknowledge my problem and start to change it.
For everyone that has ever been heavy they know how crappy it can be. I have definitely been asked how many months along I was on 3 or 4 different occasions, Like alot of people Middle school and especially high school could be hell. I know alot of people dealt with it but I still haven't really gotten past it and therefore still feel like I need to be extra nice or extra funny to make up for the elephant in the room......
I am just starting to realize that some of these "best friends" that I always spoke and thought so highly of, used me and basically couldn't stand whenever I wasn't around to be their little sidekick when I found love, or lost alot of weight for a time, distanced themselves or were really angry that I "changed." Don't I deserve to be happy? I am trying really hard to be my own person now and not be a punching bag. So I hope this will help.