Sunday, January 24, 2010

The worst

I just got out of my first major relationship. We dated for about a year and a half and I was absolutely in love, or so I thought. Paul and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together, he was pretty mean to me, he would say hurtful things, and just basically didn't give a shit about me. I was naiive and would make excuses and convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal and I was at fault too. We finally ended it back in November for good. I found out he was seeing someone else right before Christmas and it literally made me sick I would cry myself to sleep at night and just dwell on the whole situation. The fact that he didn't want or need me made me want and try even harder. I would call and text him throughout the day with no reply. I went to his work a couple of times and begged basically. I never really realized how pathetic it was until right now. I went to his work today and got all cute and basically tried to make him remember why he loved me.
He point blank said "Erin, I dont wanna be with you, Im trying to tell you your a stalker and to go away." I was SO embarrassed I left crying and feeling the biggest psycho in the entire world. So basically what I wanna admit is I am having trouble moving on, Im not quite sure how and I dont know why even though this person is the biggest asshole on the planet and treated me cruelly why I would still want this person. I am insecure and am terrified that I will never be able to find someone again and that scares me. All I want is to find someone and be happy and if he is such a huge prick why has he already found that.

1 comment:

  1. Hi! I just wanted to comment on this post and say that EVERYONE has had their stalker moments, the good thing is you realized it before he called the cops!

    and on a more serious note...everyone has also stuck around with that asshole because you thought they were the one. And that sick to the stomach feeling is the worse thing in the world.

    I hope you're feeling better and I'm sorry Paul is a jerk! I just can relate to this post really well and felt the need to comment :)