Hey Everyone, its been a while since I wrote,sorry, usually I try to do at least 1 a week but these past few weeks have been kinda chaotic. I am doing really well on my diet. I have lost about 20 pounds and I am so much happier. I can't even describe the difference not necessarily physically yet but mentally and emotionally. I just feel like Im back to the old Erin. Its amazing how a few weeks can just change you emotionally I feel so much happier, and I have a lot more energy. I have been working out about 6 times a week. I usually do zumba which is this latin dance class at my work. I LOVE IT, im obsessed. I was really sick on Saturday and Sunday and I couldnt go and I was having withdrawls. '
So, on the man front.... I'm not too sure whats going on with that. It changes every day guys well one in particular are just confusing and I don't get how there mind works. NOTE TO SELF: pick up a copy of Men are from Mars Woman are from Venus. Like, how can you change your mind 6 times in a week make up your god damn mind for once.I get so emotionally invested in the situation and then I get my hopes up and then I get upset and cut to a few hours later driving around sad listening to old Celine Dion songs over and over on my ipod. So my new mission and you all have to help me is to not get so emotionally invested in men and relationships because you can't depend on them to work out especially when its new and not even a relationship. So, with that being said I'm gonna try to not care as much and to think about other things, and keep myself very distracted with zumba lol. I don't wanna scare the good ones off by being too into it right away. For the record I will no longer be a pushover in that sense. I Erin will not take peoples bullshit anymore. I will stand up for myself and since Im becoming the new hot and confident Erin will not be everyones especially mens and family members punching bag. I will Keep you updated! Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
untitled.
I have been thinking, why on earth do we set ourselves up to be hurt? I constantly put myself in situations where I come out looking like a desperate fool. I don't wish to go into very much detail because I am that humiliated. I am stupid. I put myself out there and basically made a mockery out of myself. How can people be so blind and not see the real you. Why do we care so much what other people think of us? I am guilty of it also but I would never treat someone with such disrespect or like they did not matter. When someone is pouring their heart out to you it takes so much courage to be able to say those feelings out loud and for someone to just disappear and act as if you don't exist or even matter is just hurtful and embarrassing. I put myself out there and expected something positive to come of it but the very opposite happened.
If you don't love yourself how is anyone ever going to love you. I am a flawed person, ney, extremely flawed at times. But I matter and why can't someone see my heart, or kindness of others. I understand beauty is important but personality, morals, and grace is even more important in my book and I just wish men would see that. Those good traits are what makes a person beautiful. Life doesn't always turn out as we would have liked, things don't go the way we planned them and thats just how the world works. It's that moment where you have to decide how am I going to make this positive, and to learn from my mistakes. I don't know if I am ever going to understand why some people act the way they do.
All I can do now is move forward and to get to a place where I feel beautiful and in a good place. I am not at the place right now, very much the opposite actually. I am going to be healthy and lose weight not for him, not for anyone else but because I know that I deserve to feel like a million dollars, and to be in love and confident and cheeseburgers and ice cream will never fill that void for me.
If you don't love yourself how is anyone ever going to love you. I am a flawed person, ney, extremely flawed at times. But I matter and why can't someone see my heart, or kindness of others. I understand beauty is important but personality, morals, and grace is even more important in my book and I just wish men would see that. Those good traits are what makes a person beautiful. Life doesn't always turn out as we would have liked, things don't go the way we planned them and thats just how the world works. It's that moment where you have to decide how am I going to make this positive, and to learn from my mistakes. I don't know if I am ever going to understand why some people act the way they do.
All I can do now is move forward and to get to a place where I feel beautiful and in a good place. I am not at the place right now, very much the opposite actually. I am going to be healthy and lose weight not for him, not for anyone else but because I know that I deserve to feel like a million dollars, and to be in love and confident and cheeseburgers and ice cream will never fill that void for me.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A fresh start. again...
For those of you who know me, you know I have struggled with my weight. I have lost 50 pounds, gained back 60 lost 70,gained back 70. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am absolutely disgusted with myself for letting me get back to this place. I hate the way I look. I feel like Kirstie Alley honestly. When she was on Oprah in her bikini she was on top of the world and a year or two later she is back to where she started a fixture in the tabloids. Well, I may not be in any tabloids but people definitely talk and I'm defintely in the same situation where I have been many times.
Perhaps I decided I really did wanna change today after a few little girls at my work called me a "big elephant." Now, I know they are kids and its innocent and they didn't mean to hurt my feelings. That isn't what bugged me, its that they are completely right. I'm Kevin Smith and the world is Southwest Air saying get your fat ass off you don't fit in here.
Just to be clear I'm finally not losing weight for anyone but myself. I am gonna focus on being comfortable with myself first before trying to find my Mr. Big. So I will post my progress on here weekly. I'm not sure if I will be doing it by pounds lost or just how I'm feeling. We'll see. Bottom line, I want my life back and I want to be happy and not feel unworthy of anything or anyone.
Perhaps I decided I really did wanna change today after a few little girls at my work called me a "big elephant." Now, I know they are kids and its innocent and they didn't mean to hurt my feelings. That isn't what bugged me, its that they are completely right. I'm Kevin Smith and the world is Southwest Air saying get your fat ass off you don't fit in here.
Just to be clear I'm finally not losing weight for anyone but myself. I am gonna focus on being comfortable with myself first before trying to find my Mr. Big. So I will post my progress on here weekly. I'm not sure if I will be doing it by pounds lost or just how I'm feeling. We'll see. Bottom line, I want my life back and I want to be happy and not feel unworthy of anything or anyone.
Monday, February 22, 2010
kindness of others and my mom :)
People surprise you. Just when you think your day is going to be horrible people can do something so simple as say hello and how was your day and make you feel heard and cared for. I have been focusing way too much on the negativity of a few ignorant, rude people that I have forgetten that for every bad person in this world there are 4 good people. I love that about people. I admire it in my mom she is probably the kindest most selfless person I know. She goes out of her way to help us four kids and always makes us feel good about ourselves. She is gracious and kind to just about everyone she meets. I wanna strive to be like her. I really am so lucky to be born into a house where my family loves me unconditionally and raised me to be who I am and teach me the right way to treat people.
Despite coming from a somewhat upscale, sometimes snobby area my mom could care less about a persons financial standing or supposed "class" I admire her so much and I sometimes don't treat her with the respect she deserves. I LOVE you momma and I appreciate you and how hard you work and that you took the time to teach us right from wrong. XOX
Despite coming from a somewhat upscale, sometimes snobby area my mom could care less about a persons financial standing or supposed "class" I admire her so much and I sometimes don't treat her with the respect she deserves. I LOVE you momma and I appreciate you and how hard you work and that you took the time to teach us right from wrong. XOX
Forgetting!
It has taken me 5 long months to get over Paul. For the very, very, few of you who don't know who Paul is I will explain, (everyone else does because I literally speak of him every 10 minutes.) Paul was my exboyfriend, my first real boyfriend we dated on and off for a year and a half. We would be together for a few months break up for 1-2 weeks then get back together. I know healthy huh. lol. It took me THAT long to realize that probably isn't the best thing for relationships. Anyways, he was a prick enough said. He could be REALLY mean to me and I just put up with all his crap (examples; going on trips with other girls, smoking all the time, yelling, putting me down, alot more) When I realized it was finally over and he wasn't gonna take me back It killed me. I dont know why he's obviously a jerk and It wasnt a good situation but it felt better then being single and alone. In my mind, if I lost Paul that was it. I was bound to be a woman applying for social security benefits checking the single box with 30 cats and watching Matlocke.
I spent the last 5 months in various ways trying to win him back. It was bad I got a little Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction thing going on. I called ALL the time, texted, even went to his work begging him and sobbing. He stopped taking my calls, basically told me to leave him alone. It was really hard for me to hear that. I was mortified, it was the most depressed I have ever been. Then one day it literally just clicked. I thought why the hell am I begging this idiot who I was miserable dating to take me back? Why should I spend my time with him when I could be keeping myself for someone amazing, who actually knows how to drive decently and doesnt wanna kill me each time Im in the vehicle. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was finally I can move on with my life.
I now think of it as a really good learning experience, basically what I don't want in a man. It is so freaking freeing to write this and actually mean it. For those of you who put up with him and me talking about him all the time. I appreciate it so much. I am now free of Paul and am so ready to get on with my life this will be my last post about Paul. Have a wonderful day!!!
I spent the last 5 months in various ways trying to win him back. It was bad I got a little Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction thing going on. I called ALL the time, texted, even went to his work begging him and sobbing. He stopped taking my calls, basically told me to leave him alone. It was really hard for me to hear that. I was mortified, it was the most depressed I have ever been. Then one day it literally just clicked. I thought why the hell am I begging this idiot who I was miserable dating to take me back? Why should I spend my time with him when I could be keeping myself for someone amazing, who actually knows how to drive decently and doesnt wanna kill me each time Im in the vehicle. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was finally I can move on with my life.
I now think of it as a really good learning experience, basically what I don't want in a man. It is so freaking freeing to write this and actually mean it. For those of you who put up with him and me talking about him all the time. I appreciate it so much. I am now free of Paul and am so ready to get on with my life this will be my last post about Paul. Have a wonderful day!!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
break throughs lol
Good Morning everyone YAY its Friday! Sorry I haven't written in a while. So lets discuss drunk texting during booty call hours haha booty call hours are between 10 PM and 5 AM. A few nights ago I received a text from a guy lets call him Lucius (not his real name this isnt harry potter lol) He says "hey how are you?" I then reply "Are you drunk?" That may have been a little harsh sounding but the ONLY time this guy ever texts me is when hes drunker then Mel Gibson on a anti semetic rampage FML. He then replies haha kind of. yeah.... lovely. Anyways little backstory this guy we went on a date back in September I thought it went really well then when I didn't wanna do more then kiss (YAY for Erin) he was like "oh im tired" bullshit!
The next day he decides to text me and say "you know I had a wonderful time but i'm not ready to date." wow really then why are you going on dates? UGH men.... SO he then decides to tell me the other night that I was so beautiful that it made him nervous thats why he kinda blew me off. Okay seriously Im cute but im not that cute. Does he really think any girl actually buys that crap? Seriously, then the next day NOTHING. I absolutely despise drunk texting and booty calls Okay thats my rant for the day. Im off to work XOXO
The next day he decides to text me and say "you know I had a wonderful time but i'm not ready to date." wow really then why are you going on dates? UGH men.... SO he then decides to tell me the other night that I was so beautiful that it made him nervous thats why he kinda blew me off. Okay seriously Im cute but im not that cute. Does he really think any girl actually buys that crap? Seriously, then the next day NOTHING. I absolutely despise drunk texting and booty calls Okay thats my rant for the day. Im off to work XOXO
Monday, February 1, 2010
A step forward!
I had the most wonderful weekend! Friday night I went to Kathy Griffin in Seattle with a friend and had such a good time, she was abs0lutely hilarious I just love her I am so glad I got to go it was a big mood booster. Saturday I went to Ellensburg and visited a very dear friend we had a really good time and bonded. I am seriously considering making some big changes. I think it is time for me to grow up and stop living off my parents. I think I'm gonna move to Ellensburg and go to school online and work and live with my friend. I just have a really good feeling about it. I also am commiting myself to exercising and eating better. Food just is not worth it. As much as i love my panda express I love me more and I wanna feel good and I am happy at moments now but I know I will feel so much better when I am taking better care of myself. Until next time thanks for listening hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!! YAY im feeling so positive today
Friday, January 29, 2010
a small achievement
It is now Friday, I haven't tried to talk to Paul since Sunday afternoon. Small? Yes, but thats a big deal for me. I am finally realizing HI! Paul is an asshole who did not care about me or my feelings and I deserve someone who respects me and the things I like to do and wont judge me for what I eat. Which he did by the way he would give me the evil death glare when I ordered something then what he "thought was healthy" It's a new day! Im going to Kathy Griffin tonight then a little mini roadtrip to see a true great friend. I am genuinely starting to get out of this rut! YAY
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The worst
I just got out of my first major relationship. We dated for about a year and a half and I was absolutely in love, or so I thought. Paul and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together, he was pretty mean to me, he would say hurtful things, and just basically didn't give a shit about me. I was naiive and would make excuses and convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal and I was at fault too. We finally ended it back in November for good. I found out he was seeing someone else right before Christmas and it literally made me sick I would cry myself to sleep at night and just dwell on the whole situation. The fact that he didn't want or need me made me want and try even harder. I would call and text him throughout the day with no reply. I went to his work a couple of times and begged basically. I never really realized how pathetic it was until right now. I went to his work today and got all cute and basically tried to make him remember why he loved me.
He point blank said "Erin, I dont wanna be with you, Im trying to tell you your a stalker and to go away." I was SO embarrassed I left crying and feeling the biggest psycho in the entire world. So basically what I wanna admit is I am having trouble moving on, Im not quite sure how and I dont know why even though this person is the biggest asshole on the planet and treated me cruelly why I would still want this person. I am insecure and am terrified that I will never be able to find someone again and that scares me. All I want is to find someone and be happy and if he is such a huge prick why has he already found that.
He point blank said "Erin, I dont wanna be with you, Im trying to tell you your a stalker and to go away." I was SO embarrassed I left crying and feeling the biggest psycho in the entire world. So basically what I wanna admit is I am having trouble moving on, Im not quite sure how and I dont know why even though this person is the biggest asshole on the planet and treated me cruelly why I would still want this person. I am insecure and am terrified that I will never be able to find someone again and that scares me. All I want is to find someone and be happy and if he is such a huge prick why has he already found that.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Blind Dates
Has anyone ever been on a blind date? I was just thinking about them. I went on one a few weeks ago and would like to share the scoop lol. Okay so my friend pulled the whole "I know someone perfect for you he is super nice and he will love you." Okay let me just say I am really hesitant about blind dates because no one likes that awkward first meeting and bascially I am terrified the whole time they are comparing me to wild animals or thinking about how much they want to leave lol.
So I said "are you SURE" hes gonna be interested and he wont think I'm a dog." She promised he wouldnt. We decided to go to the casino. lol dont judge me I just turned 21 like a month ago. Did I mention my friend and her boyfriend were going also so it would ease the tension. K so I got ready took me an hour and a half and looked pretty damn cute if I say so myself. He walks up to us HI hes GORGEOUS (ok maybe not gorgeous but i have low standards but hes pretty damn cute)
I started chatting away to make it not uncomfortable but if I wasn't talking we basically were just standing there while I tried unsuccessfully to win at the slots. It ended decently enough but a week goes by and I hadn't heard from him.
Well.... smart me gets drunk and calls him and apparently asked him to hang out again. I get a text from him the next day asking if I still wanted to hang out so I thought hey, thats a good sign he could have pretended we never talked. So we were set to go to the movie the next day he was supposed to call me. Yeah... 5:30 rolls around and still NO PHONE CALL. I get ready none the less and basically wait around until finally I get a text from him that doesnt even apolgize just says I overslept can we try for wednesday. I decided to go which was stupid of me. We went to the movie and he didn't put his arm around me or anything it was a 2 and a half hour movie and it was extremely uncomfortable. I get a call from him a few days later that was the whole "your really nice and fun but I dont like you the way you like me." Thanks alot asshole thats what everyone loves to hear. I just had to complain lol
So I said "are you SURE" hes gonna be interested and he wont think I'm a dog." She promised he wouldnt. We decided to go to the casino. lol dont judge me I just turned 21 like a month ago. Did I mention my friend and her boyfriend were going also so it would ease the tension. K so I got ready took me an hour and a half and looked pretty damn cute if I say so myself. He walks up to us HI hes GORGEOUS (ok maybe not gorgeous but i have low standards but hes pretty damn cute)
I started chatting away to make it not uncomfortable but if I wasn't talking we basically were just standing there while I tried unsuccessfully to win at the slots. It ended decently enough but a week goes by and I hadn't heard from him.
Well.... smart me gets drunk and calls him and apparently asked him to hang out again. I get a text from him the next day asking if I still wanted to hang out so I thought hey, thats a good sign he could have pretended we never talked. So we were set to go to the movie the next day he was supposed to call me. Yeah... 5:30 rolls around and still NO PHONE CALL. I get ready none the less and basically wait around until finally I get a text from him that doesnt even apolgize just says I overslept can we try for wednesday. I decided to go which was stupid of me. We went to the movie and he didn't put his arm around me or anything it was a 2 and a half hour movie and it was extremely uncomfortable. I get a call from him a few days later that was the whole "your really nice and fun but I dont like you the way you like me." Thanks alot asshole thats what everyone loves to hear. I just had to complain lol
My very first post.
I am 21 years old, and I am the token fat friend. It's okay I have accepted it, I almost embrace it perhaps. It is shameful to admit this yes, but it is the truth. Its completely true though I believe the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore even have a name for it "the grenade." So, embarrassing as it is I accept it and will write accordingly.
I am fortunate to have some really great, true, friends who love me for me. God love them, they put up with a lot of my bullshit. But I have come to realize that I am the biggest pushover on the planet I let people walk all over me, and in being like that I attract some friends that basically love that I am timid, chubby, and extremely insecure and therefore put up with almost anything. It is unfortunate but it is also my fault too. I am that person that apologizes 80 times a day for sometimes no reason at all or when I dont need to. However, this blog will hopefully prove as a step to acknowledge my problem and start to change it.
For everyone that has ever been heavy they know how crappy it can be. I have definitely been asked how many months along I was on 3 or 4 different occasions, Like alot of people Middle school and especially high school could be hell. I know alot of people dealt with it but I still haven't really gotten past it and therefore still feel like I need to be extra nice or extra funny to make up for the elephant in the room......
I am just starting to realize that some of these "best friends" that I always spoke and thought so highly of, used me and basically couldn't stand whenever I wasn't around to be their little sidekick when I found love, or lost alot of weight for a time, distanced themselves or were really angry that I "changed." Don't I deserve to be happy? I am trying really hard to be my own person now and not be a punching bag. So I hope this will help.
I am fortunate to have some really great, true, friends who love me for me. God love them, they put up with a lot of my bullshit. But I have come to realize that I am the biggest pushover on the planet I let people walk all over me, and in being like that I attract some friends that basically love that I am timid, chubby, and extremely insecure and therefore put up with almost anything. It is unfortunate but it is also my fault too. I am that person that apologizes 80 times a day for sometimes no reason at all or when I dont need to. However, this blog will hopefully prove as a step to acknowledge my problem and start to change it.
For everyone that has ever been heavy they know how crappy it can be. I have definitely been asked how many months along I was on 3 or 4 different occasions, Like alot of people Middle school and especially high school could be hell. I know alot of people dealt with it but I still haven't really gotten past it and therefore still feel like I need to be extra nice or extra funny to make up for the elephant in the room......
I am just starting to realize that some of these "best friends" that I always spoke and thought so highly of, used me and basically couldn't stand whenever I wasn't around to be their little sidekick when I found love, or lost alot of weight for a time, distanced themselves or were really angry that I "changed." Don't I deserve to be happy? I am trying really hard to be my own person now and not be a punching bag. So I hope this will help.
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