untitled.

I have been thinking, why on earth do we set ourselves up to be hurt? I constantly put myself in situations where I come out looking like a desperate fool. I don't wish to go into very much detail because I am that humiliated. I am stupid. I put myself out there and basically made a mockery out of myself. How can people be so blind and not see the real you. Why do we care so much what other people think of us? I am guilty of it also but I would never treat someone with such disrespect or like they did not matter. When someone is pouring their heart out to you it takes so much courage to be able to say those feelings out loud and for someone to just disappear and act as if you don't exist or even matter is just hurtful and embarrassing. I put myself out there and expected something positive to come of it but the very opposite happened.

If you don't love yourself how is anyone ever going to love you. I am a flawed person, ney, extremely flawed at times. But I matter and why can't someone see my heart, or kindness of others. I understand beauty is important but personality, morals, and grace is even more important in my book and I just wish men would see that. Those good traits are what makes a person beautiful. Life doesn't always turn out as we would have liked, things don't go the way we planned them and thats just how the world works. It's that moment where you have to decide how am I going to make this positive, and to learn from my mistakes. I don't know if I am ever going to understand why some people act the way they do.

All I can do now is move forward and to get to a place where I feel beautiful and in a good place. I am not at the place right now, very much the opposite actually. I am going to be healthy and lose weight not for him, not for anyone else but because I know that I deserve to feel like a million dollars, and to be in love and confident and cheeseburgers and ice cream will never fill that void for me.

argh

I am the biggest idiot in the entire world right now. That is all.

A fresh start. again...

For those of you who know me, you know I have struggled with my weight. I have lost 50 pounds, gained back 60 lost 70,gained back 70. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am absolutely disgusted with myself for letting me get back to this place. I hate the way I look. I feel like Kirstie Alley honestly. When she was on Oprah in her bikini she was on top of the world and a year or two later she is back to where she started a fixture in the tabloids. Well, I may not be in any tabloids but people definitely talk and I'm defintely in the same situation where I have been many times.
Perhaps I decided I really did wanna change today after a few little girls at my work called me a "big elephant." Now, I know they are kids and its innocent and they didn't mean to hurt my feelings. That isn't what bugged me, its that they are completely right. I'm Kevin Smith and the world is Southwest Air saying get your fat ass off you don't fit in here.
Just to be clear I'm finally not losing weight for anyone but myself. I am gonna focus on being comfortable with myself first before trying to find my Mr. Big. So I will post my progress on here weekly. I'm not sure if I will be doing it by pounds lost or just how I'm feeling. We'll see. Bottom line, I want my life back and I want to be happy and not feel unworthy of anything or anyone.

kindness of others and my mom :)

People surprise you. Just when you think your day is going to be horrible people can do something so simple as say hello and how was your day and make you feel heard and cared for. I have been focusing way too much on the negativity of a few ignorant, rude people that I have forgetten that for every bad person in this world there are 4 good people. I love that about people. I admire it in my mom she is probably the kindest most selfless person I know. She goes out of her way to help us four kids and always makes us feel good about ourselves. She is gracious and kind to just about everyone she meets. I wanna strive to be like her. I really am so lucky to be born into a house where my family loves me unconditionally and raised me to be who I am and teach me the right way to treat people.

Despite coming from a somewhat upscale, sometimes snobby area my mom could care less about a persons financial standing or supposed "class" I admire her so much and I sometimes don't treat her with the respect she deserves. I LOVE you momma and I appreciate you and how hard you work and that you took the time to teach us right from wrong. XOX

Having the shittiest Day

I am so frustrated with things right now. UGHHHHH

Forgetting!

It has taken me 5 long months to get over Paul. For the very, very, few of you who don't know who Paul is I will explain, (everyone else does because I literally speak of him every 10 minutes.) Paul was my exboyfriend, my first real boyfriend we dated on and off for a year and a half. We would be together for a few months break up for 1-2 weeks then get back together. I know healthy huh. lol. It took me THAT long to realize that probably isn't the best thing for relationships. Anyways, he was a prick enough said. He could be REALLY mean to me and I just put up with all his crap (examples; going on trips with other girls, smoking all the time, yelling, putting me down, alot more) When I realized it was finally over and he wasn't gonna take me back It killed me. I dont know why he's obviously a jerk and It wasnt a good situation but it felt better then being single and alone. In my mind, if I lost Paul that was it. I was bound to be a woman applying for social security benefits checking the single box with 30 cats and watching Matlocke.

I spent the last 5 months in various ways trying to win him back. It was bad I got a little Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction thing going on. I called ALL the time, texted, even went to his work begging him and sobbing. He stopped taking my calls, basically told me to leave him alone. It was really hard for me to hear that. I was mortified, it was the most depressed I have ever been. Then one day it literally just clicked. I thought why the hell am I begging this idiot who I was miserable dating to take me back? Why should I spend my time with him when I could be keeping myself for someone amazing, who actually knows how to drive decently and doesnt wanna kill me each time Im in the vehicle. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was finally I can move on with my life.

I now think of it as a really good learning experience, basically what I don't want in a man. It is so freaking freeing to write this and actually mean it. For those of you who put up with him and me talking about him all the time. I appreciate it so much. I am now free of Paul and am so ready to get on with my life this will be my last post about Paul. Have a wonderful day!!!

break throughs lol

Good Morning everyone YAY its Friday! Sorry I haven't written in a while. So lets discuss drunk texting during booty call hours haha booty call hours are between 10 PM and 5 AM. A few nights ago I received a text from a guy lets call him Lucius (not his real name this isnt harry potter lol) He says "hey how are you?" I then reply "Are you drunk?" That may have been a little harsh sounding but the ONLY time this guy ever texts me is when hes drunker then Mel Gibson on a anti semetic rampage FML. He then replies haha kind of. yeah.... lovely. Anyways little backstory this guy we went on a date back in September I thought it went really well then when I didn't wanna do more then kiss (YAY for Erin) he was like "oh im tired" bullshit!

The next day he decides to text me and say "you know I had a wonderful time but i'm not ready to date." wow really then why are you going on dates? UGH men.... SO he then decides to tell me the other night that I was so beautiful that it made him nervous thats why he kinda blew me off. Okay seriously Im cute but im not that cute. Does he really think any girl actually buys that crap? Seriously, then the next day NOTHING. I absolutely despise drunk texting and booty calls Okay thats my rant for the day. Im off to work XOXO

A step forward!

I had the most wonderful weekend! Friday night I went to Kathy Griffin in Seattle with a friend and had such a good time, she was abs0lutely hilarious I just love her I am so glad I got to go it was a big mood booster. Saturday I went to Ellensburg and visited a very dear friend we had a really good time and bonded. I am seriously considering making some big changes. I think it is time for me to grow up and stop living off my parents. I think I'm gonna move to Ellensburg and go to school online and work and live with my friend. I just have a really good feeling about it. I also am commiting myself to exercising and eating better. Food just is not worth it. As much as i love my panda express I love me more and I wanna feel good and I am happy at moments now but I know I will feel so much better when I am taking better care of myself. Until next time thanks for listening hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!! YAY im feeling so positive today